Absent

Yes, I've been absent from my blog.

I've been absent in more than just that.

Lately, I've been feeling...

frustration.
disappointment.
depression.
anger.
anxiety.
loneliness.
sadness.

and really just wishing for better days ahead.

In all of this, we've been examining our lives. We have so much to be thankful for. We have each other. We have Wenda. We have a home, a working car, a job, food on the table....
and that list can go on.

In the midst of {_____________} (fill in the blank with a word from above), we have forgotten one very important thing in our lives--prayer.

I guess the word forgotten doesn't really describe it--it's more like we've ignored talking with God because of all the emotions going on. I think it sometimes is very easy to have the mindset of blame as reason not to pray, I'm mad with God and I just don't want to talk to Him ( Especially since it's been years!).

J and I really looked at our prayer time which has been off and on in our 4.5 years of marriage. In the beginning of our infertility journey, we were strong in our prayer life. Then, it kind of went downhill from there, just like our heartbreaking journey.  As we talked about our relationship with each other and with God, we realized that this has to be part of our marriage. Every night now, we are committed to praying together. In the last few days, I've seen how much of a positive thing this has been for our marriage. We are happier. We are more in love with each other. We are more appreciative of the things we have. Yes, there are still sorrows, and some of the emotions from the list above, but giving them to God is what we are doing. It's been very tough lately with many people in our lives having kids, and getting teaching jobs (yes, another thing that has been very difficult!) that I am just overwhelmed.

We're here standing still with our hopes and dreams. It feels as if it's pushed in our (mostly mine) faces constantly--and I take it personally. The comments. The remarks. The looks. Everything. The hardest thing to admit is that Satan has used our hopes and dreams to get in between God and us.

It really gets... discouraging after 4 years to say the least.

So, I cannot handle it anymore--we're handing it over to Christ, in prayer.

J and I are not just praying about the small things--we're going to be praying for the impossible too.

We're praying for:
{gratitude in all circumstances}
{wisdom in making financial choices}

{discernment with our infertility journey-- for a miracle(s) [we're good with multiples. ;)], finances (it's more than our mortgage payment monthly to 'try'!), when/if to start, bodies reactions to medications/vitamins/etc}

{contentment}

{excitement for others who are expecting & to find joy in those little miracles}

{a teaching position with an amazing staff & community- a place where I can make a difference and be a light for Christ}

He is listening. I'm counting on Him to make our path straight--obvious about where He wants us to be. We're giving it to You, Lord!

A surprise, a disappointment, and letting life go on.

There we were. Tempted in a store to go look for something that we never thought we would. At least, that's how it felt. Sneaking around we found the right area and started to shop. There they were...

Two adorable outfits.
How could we decide which one to buy? It was so early, that I looked at Josh and said, lets buy both. We were SO super excited and as we went to pay, we kept turning corners seeing people we knew. So the opposite way we'd go (who knew this store would be so busy on a Sunday after church? ;) ). We were giggly. We were the lovey-dovey people that couldn't keep our hands off of each other. We were the happy couple who were dodging corners and sneaking around the store. We finally made it to a register knowing our huge secret was safe.

Every night since, we had the two outfits hanging in our closet.

And every night we were reminded by the new hanging wardrobe and our secret.
We went to bed happy.
Excited.
Content.
Ready.

Then, I met our doctor. Oh, how great he was. To my surprise, delivering was his favorite thing as a doctor. Without hesitation, he agreed to get an early ultrasound done that I requested. I was so relieved. Nothing felt real at this point--except for the strange aversions toward chocolate (didn't see that one coming!), constantly tired, and losing a few pounds.

The first ultrasound brought worried thoughts but nothing 'real'. They said it was too early. We saw something on the screen, but not much. They said it just was really early, and we'll have another one.

We were very excited to see the second ultrasound--a little peanut, a heartbeat... proof. We were expecting to tell family, and friends with the picture of our secret. Our secret that we shopped for when we found out early on. A differently lady was our ultrasound tech, an older, non-talker. As she started the ultrasound, we were not seeing anything baby-like on the screen (just a gestational sac). Nothing that I knew we should be seeing at 10 weeks. No heartbeat. No little bean shape. Tears started flowing. The ultrasound tech lady wouldn't tell us anything. Just that 'we don't know anything yet'. Trying not to cry while walking out of the hospital was impossible. I couldn't keep them back. Something was wrong.

I was supposed to work the next day, I walked through the door and just starting bawling. Thankfully, I was blessed with an amazing group of coworkers. Emotionally, I just couldn't work.

My amazing doctor called us, wanting us to come in. He cleared time in his day. He was flexible. I could tell he really cared for us, and what we were experiencing.

Trying to hold back the tears in the doctors office, my hubby and I were trying to crack some jokes.
It'd work, then I'd remember why we were there.
If you know me personally, I'm just flat out emotional. No lies! Composing myself can be hard, especially with something like this. Teary-eyed we finally went into the exam room.

5 minutes pass.
In came the nurse and immediately I asked, Somethings wrong, isn't it?
Gently, she took a minute to pray for me, for us, for our family.
The doctor finally came in, and without hesitation, I ask him.
My worst fears were confirmed.

He said it happens randomly and to anyone. He described to us what happened--which I already knew what it was called, a blighted ovum (he was surprised I knew--I told him I was the research queen at my house with the help of google!). He said I would miscarry within the next few weeks.
I cried. My hubby held my hand and wept too.
The doctor held our hands and prayed with us.

I was upset.
Angry.
God, why did you let this happen to us?
We've waited for 3 years, and now we're the lucky ones to go through this too? I mean, come on! We've already got the 1 in 10 odds (due to infertility) and now the 5% luck of the draw of miscarrying the first pregnancy--I could think of better ways to use that luck!

Okay, I know it's not luck. But, really, with those odds, I would have liked to have won something.

In hindsight, I guess I have won something--it's called experience (yes, that's a little sarcasm there). But in all seriousness, I have gained and learned some things...

I've learned the last few months that God has been with us--and He certainly is our Provider. 
He's surrounded us with loving family, friends, and even strangers who have blessed us, prayed for us, and encouraged us.
He's provided strength, direction, and a renewed passion for living life.
He's shown us that we are brave, and that with Him we can go through tough things!
The more we talk and are open about miscarriage and infertility, the more God shows up. The more we feel at peace with where we are at.
We've learned to look at our life, to be thankful for what we have, to complain less, and to enjoy every minute of the great and not-so-great situations.
We've learned that life truly does go on, and in the end--there will be a reason, a purpose for this trial, this suffering, and this sadness.

And someday, I will meet this little angel who has forever changed our lives and our outlook on life. Life is precious, it is a gift, and a miracle. We miss what could-have-been but are blessed with what is and what is to come.

Together

My hubby and I have started reading a book together for our weekly devotional. We have been absolutely terrible with reading His word and praying together--I think it's been because we've been so stressed, angry, etc. with where our lives are right now.

Our lesson was about trusting God. It was strange as we were reading the first chapter of our Couple Devotional Book and the author mentions that they went through infertility as well--and that they had to trust God through everything. I mean, it's one thing when you read a devotional or a friend says "trust God, it'll be okay!"--without having a single idea what we're experiencing in our life (either not knowing what we're experiencing or knowing but not able to relate). And then it's another experiencing hearing that someone has been through it. Someone knows the emotions we're feeling; the depression or sadness, the stress, the incredible want, etc. Anyways, the author of the Couple Devotional Book experienced what we're experiencing, so it just means that much more when reading about trusting God and His timing.

Then, I saw this the other day on Pinterest....

After almost a week of fasting, I'm starting to feel this calmness---that in His time, things WILL work out. Things WILL get better.

What a great promise-- 1 Peter 5:6-7
So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.

So thankful for a caring God even when I've been distant and upset; He still loves me because His love NEVER fails.

Life Update

Oh how it's hard to be away from the one you love. (Hi honey! Miss you!)

We've been seeking direction, asking for patience, and looking for answers to lifes hardships and questions a lot lately. Sometimes I look at our life and ask "why"... why is life so hard? Why can't God just give us the answers to our prayers, our hearts cries, and our desire to have things go the way we planned. Then I read this...

God's 3 Answers to Your Prayers:
1. Yes.
2.  Not Yet.
3. I have something better in mind.
What a reminder! Sometimes we are in constant need of this reminder, that He knows what is best and He has a better plan in mind!

So, here I am... in Florida looking for a teaching position. I felt as if I needed to at least give it a try before closing the door--and I'm so glad for my husband's support! Teaching in Florida is a little different than in Michigan. Today, in an interview, I was told about one of Florida's laws regarding how many students can be in a classroom. In a k-3rd grade classroom, the maximum number of students is 18. In grades 4th and 5th it is 22. In Michigan, there are classrooms up to 27 kids! Wow!

I guess I just don't want to be afraid to do something different... I don't want to be afraid of change. We are in a state where we do not have kids, not fully established, and have our whole lives ahead of us--taking a risk now would mean change but it would also be an adventure.

We just need to keep this in mind:
To not forget to "listen for God's voice in everything we do & everywhere we go; He's the one that will keep us on track." Proverbs 3:6

One day I want to be able to look back and to think Wow! Trusting God, and following where He led us was the BEST plan ever; far better than we ever imagined!

So, God, please lead us where You want us!

And please make it obvious! ;)

5 Reasons

I've been in a funky mood lately...

I'm sad that we're still not parents.

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I'm going crazy since I'm not working (staying home is definitely not for me... I just miss working!)

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I'm frustrated with finances.

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So... I thought I'd write 5 reasons why I'm HAPPY or CONTENT to be where I'm at. So... here I go.
Its hard to think of reasons of happiness in the midst of things not being how I'd want them to be.

I'm happy to be not be a mom yet because...
*I get to stick to my schedule
*I can sleep in (even though I don't!) and nap time can be for me... whenever and how ever long
*I get to hang out with friends and their kids for some time (which is fun!) but then get to go home to just my hubby (and Wenda)
*My house is quiet, calm, and relaxing
*I can watch lots of movies all day long on rainy days! :)

I'm happy to stay home and not work because...
*I can be crafty
*I can organize
*I can bake/cook and experiment with recipes
*I can work on creating a healthy lifestyle - walking/running more, meal planning
*I can go to the library all day if I wanted! Or the beach! :)

I'm happy financially where we are at because...
*We're learning less is more
*Learning to budget, stick to a budget and it will benefit us in the future (when we have a bigger budget).
*Creative dating
*Learning that we don't have to make lots nor have lots of stuff to make us happy. (that's a hard one though... sometimes I think If I only had... then it would make life easier/better) (Gotta stop that thinking!!)
*We appreciate what we have (or at least try to!)

This post was really about making me see things in a positive light in where WE are at in our stage of life. Please, please don't take any of this the wrong way--I'm just having one of those days that I needed to think about why my glass is half full.


What about you? What are some of the positives of your not-so-great experiences or stage of life currently?

Some days, we just need to look at the positives. :)