Tuesday, January 24, 2012

A surprise, a disappointment, and letting life go on.

There we were. Tempted in a store to go look for something that we never thought we would. At least, that's how it felt. Sneaking around we found the right area and started to shop. There they were...

Two adorable outfits.
How could we decide which one to buy? It was so early, that I looked at Josh and said, lets buy both. We were SO super excited and as we went to pay, we kept turning corners seeing people we knew. So the opposite way we'd go (who knew this store would be so busy on a Sunday after church? ;) ). We were giggly. We were the lovey-dovey people that couldn't keep our hands off of each other. We were the happy couple who were dodging corners and sneaking around the store. We finally made it to a register knowing our huge secret was safe.

Every night since, we had the two outfits hanging in our closet.

And every night we were reminded by the new hanging wardrobe and our secret.
We went to bed happy.

Then, I met our doctor. Oh, how great he was. To my surprise, delivering was his favorite thing as a doctor. Without hesitation, he agreed to get an early ultrasound done that I requested. I was so relieved. Nothing felt real at this point--except for the strange aversions toward chocolate (didn't see that one coming!), constantly tired, and losing a few pounds.

The first ultrasound brought worried thoughts but nothing 'real'. They said it was too early. We saw something on the screen, but not much. They said it just was really early, and we'll have another one.

We were very excited to see the second ultrasound--a little peanut, a heartbeat... proof. We were expecting to tell family, and friends with the picture of our secret. Our secret that we shopped for when we found out early on. A differently lady was our ultrasound tech, an older, non-talker. As she started the ultrasound, we were not seeing anything baby-like on the screen (just a gestational sac). Nothing that I knew we should be seeing at 10 weeks. No heartbeat. No little bean shape. Tears started flowing. The ultrasound tech lady wouldn't tell us anything. Just that 'we don't know anything yet'. Trying not to cry while walking out of the hospital was impossible. I couldn't keep them back. Something was wrong.

I was supposed to work the next day, I walked through the door and just starting bawling. Thankfully, I was blessed with an amazing group of coworkers. Emotionally, I just couldn't work.

My amazing doctor called us, wanting us to come in. He cleared time in his day. He was flexible. I could tell he really cared for us, and what we were experiencing.

Trying to hold back the tears in the doctors office, my hubby and I were trying to crack some jokes.
It'd work, then I'd remember why we were there.
If you know me personally, I'm just flat out emotional. No lies! Composing myself can be hard, especially with something like this. Teary-eyed we finally went into the exam room.

5 minutes pass.
In came the nurse and immediately I asked, Somethings wrong, isn't it?
Gently, she took a minute to pray for me, for us, for our family.
The doctor finally came in, and without hesitation, I ask him.
My worst fears were confirmed.

He said it happens randomly and to anyone. He described to us what happened--which I already knew what it was called, a blighted ovum (he was surprised I knew--I told him I was the research queen at my house with the help of google!). He said I would miscarry within the next few weeks.
I cried. My hubby held my hand and wept too.
The doctor held our hands and prayed with us.

I was upset.
God, why did you let this happen to us?
We've waited for 3 years, and now we're the lucky ones to go through this too? I mean, come on! We've already got the 1 in 10 odds (due to infertility) and now the 5% luck of the draw of miscarrying the first pregnancy--I could think of better ways to use that luck!

Okay, I know it's not luck. But, really, with those odds, I would have liked to have won something.

In hindsight, I guess I have won something--it's called experience (yes, that's a little sarcasm there). But in all seriousness, I have gained and learned some things...

I've learned the last few months that God has been with us--and He certainly is our Provider
He's surrounded us with loving family, friends, and even strangers who have blessed us, prayed for us, and encouraged us.
He's provided strength, direction, and a renewed passion for living life.
He's shown us that we are brave, and that with Him we can go through tough things!
The more we talk and are open about miscarriage and infertility, the more God shows up. The more we feel at peace with where we are at.
We've learned to look at our life, to be thankful for what we have, to complain less, and to enjoy every minute of the great and not-so-great situations.
We've learned that life truly does go on, and in the end--there will be a reason, a purpose for this trial, this suffering, and this sadness.

And someday, I will meet this little angel who has forever changed our lives and our outlook on life. Life is precious, it is a gift, and a miracle. We miss what could-have-been but are blessed with what is and what is to come.