Absent

Yes, I've been absent from my blog.

I've been absent in more than just that.

Lately, I've been feeling...

frustration.
disappointment.
depression.
anger.
anxiety.
loneliness.
sadness.

and really just wishing for better days ahead.

In all of this, we've been examining our lives. We have so much to be thankful for. We have each other. We have Wenda. We have a home, a working car, a job, food on the table....
and that list can go on.

In the midst of {_____________} (fill in the blank with a word from above), we have forgotten one very important thing in our lives--prayer.

I guess the word forgotten doesn't really describe it--it's more like we've ignored talking with God because of all the emotions going on. I think it sometimes is very easy to have the mindset of blame as reason not to pray, I'm mad with God and I just don't want to talk to Him ( Especially since it's been years!).

J and I really looked at our prayer time which has been off and on in our 4.5 years of marriage. In the beginning of our infertility journey, we were strong in our prayer life. Then, it kind of went downhill from there, just like our heartbreaking journey.  As we talked about our relationship with each other and with God, we realized that this has to be part of our marriage. Every night now, we are committed to praying together. In the last few days, I've seen how much of a positive thing this has been for our marriage. We are happier. We are more in love with each other. We are more appreciative of the things we have. Yes, there are still sorrows, and some of the emotions from the list above, but giving them to God is what we are doing. It's been very tough lately with many people in our lives having kids, and getting teaching jobs (yes, another thing that has been very difficult!) that I am just overwhelmed.

We're here standing still with our hopes and dreams. It feels as if it's pushed in our (mostly mine) faces constantly--and I take it personally. The comments. The remarks. The looks. Everything. The hardest thing to admit is that Satan has used our hopes and dreams to get in between God and us.

It really gets... discouraging after 4 years to say the least.

So, I cannot handle it anymore--we're handing it over to Christ, in prayer.

J and I are not just praying about the small things--we're going to be praying for the impossible too.

We're praying for:
{gratitude in all circumstances}
{wisdom in making financial choices}

{discernment with our infertility journey-- for a miracle(s) [we're good with multiples. ;)], finances (it's more than our mortgage payment monthly to 'try'!), when/if to start, bodies reactions to medications/vitamins/etc}

{contentment}

{excitement for others who are expecting & to find joy in those little miracles}

{a teaching position with an amazing staff & community- a place where I can make a difference and be a light for Christ}

He is listening. I'm counting on Him to make our path straight--obvious about where He wants us to be. We're giving it to You, Lord!

365 Days

In 365 days a lot can change.

For Taralynn over at Undressed Skeleton it took her 365 days to finally feel comfortable in her skin. She's used her story to inspire others! How neat is that!

So, I took her up on her offer to join others in her 365 Day Challenge. You can read about it here.

Wow, look at that beautiful profile. ;) ha ha

Anyways, here's a look into my goals... not that I didn't have any before, but this makes me reconfirm them and explain them a bit better.

Erin's goals:

Eating - {to eat clean, vegan} {try new recipes} {avoid pop}
Exercise -  {implement & stick with an exercise routine}{run a 5 k}{to not disappoint my walking buddy: Wenda}
Weight - {feel comfy in my own skin} {lose 25 lbs} {gain muscle} {be in a size 4ish}
Blog - {post 3 times a week: eating/exercise, recipe/DIY, pinterest post}
Love - {continue dating husband} {practice speaking my hubby's love language}
Life - {being & thinking POSITIVE} {spending time with God in word & prayer}
Finances - {be frugal} {pay off debt} {save} {give} {to remember that I can't take money to heaven--only others!}


And... here I go!

Infertility Statistics

As National Infertility Week is coming to an end, here are some facts you may not know about infertility:

• Infertility is a disease that affects the normal function of the male or female reproductive system.
• Infertility is defined as the inability of a couple to conceive a pregnancy after trying to do so for at least one full year.
• 7.3 million people in the US are affected by infertility – representing 1 in 8 couples and 12% of  the reproductive age population.
• 1/3 of infertility cases can be attributed to the female, 1/3 to the male and the remaining 1/3 to both the female and male.
• Following intercourse on the most fertile day in their cycle, women between the ages of 27 and 34 with no fertility issues present,  have a 40% chance of getting pregnant.
• 90% of couples will conceive within 1 year of trying.
• 25% of infertile couples have more than one factor that contributes to their infertility.
• An estimated 20% of infertility cases are unexplained.
• Approximately 85-90% of infertility cases are treated with drug therapy or surgical procedures.
• Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART) treatments for infertility include intrauterine insemination (IUI), gamete intrafallopian transfer (GIFT) and in-vitro fertilization (IVF).

Sources: American Society of Reproductive Medicine, National Women’s Health Resource Center

 

National Infertility Awareness Week

This week, April 22-28 is National Infertility Awareness Week.

via

Please take a moment to find out more about this heartbreaking disease. Having a child should be one of the most natural things in the world... but it's not, for many.


What IF (www.theinfertilityvoice.com).

One of the most scary things about dealing with infertility is having to live without children... happily. But what IF we stop living in fear and start living as advocates. Infertility is real--and needs to be acknowledged in the medical world. We need coverage. We need help. We need to find answers to this disease.

If you are among the 1 in 8 like us, please know you're not alone! Help inform others (of course, when you are ready). From personal experience, when I opened up and let others know about our infertility the more others came out of the woodwork. I'd get emails, facebook messages, and even had conversations in a baby retail shop (my ironic part time job!) with complete strangers. It's allowed me to validate my feelings with others going through the same thing, and to know that I'm not in this dark place alone. We can offer support to each other and information to people who have no clue infertility exists!

If you are not struggling with this disease--please help spread the word about infertility, and support someone you know going through it. Remember, as someone struggling with infertility, we don't need advice about our fertility but rather, we just need someone to listen. Someone who will be an advocate for us in times we can't even do that ourselves. Inform yourselves, inform others.

Here's a few great links--
Don't Ignore Someone You Know
Resolve: The National Infertility Association
American Fertility Association
Fertility within Reach: Become Your Own Best Advocate
Fertile HOPE (LIVESTRONG)

And of course... check out more of my pins on Pinterest board: Infertility thoughts & hopes!

I can make a difference. You can make a difference. Get the word out. Be aware.

April is just... bittersweet.

This was us 9 months ago.
Happy.
Excited.
Prepared.
Blessed.
Eager.
Surprised.
Thinking that April 10 was forever away!


This month we were going to be parents. Our dream of finally starting a family was supposed to come true.

So, please, don't mind the grumpiness. Or the quietness and wanting to keep to myself this month.

On the bright side, here's what has been accomplished in the last 9 months that have been positive:
-new job in a school!
-losing 12 lbs!
-the bathroom makeover
-starting an infertility support group through our church (still in the works!)
-paying debt
-building a stronger relationship with the hubs
-becoming tan (which in turn, boosts the confidence!) (ok, it really was for the wedding but I'm definitely enjoying the tan look)
and...
-putting in our paperwork for fostering.

Monday night will be another happy time as I am off to Florida for my sister's wedding! Hello sunshine, hello pool, hello family. Looking forward to dressing up for a date night or two with the hubs! It will be a much needed break from life in the fast lane.

Changing Habits

Some things are just out of our control--and the only thing we can do is adjust our attitude and then trust that God's got it. Because, really, He's got it under control.

So...it's time to change my habits over at our house!

One thing that has been a total 'sucker of my time' has been...

Facebook!

Facebook is fantastic for keeping in touch with friends, family, and our neighbor's dog, but frankly, it's taken up way too much of my time. Not only is it fantastic for keeping in touch, it also makes way for the not-so-good: jealousy.

Whether you'd like to admit it or not, facebook entertains jealousy. "Oh, what a nice house they have, I wish I had that!" "Wow, they have a vacation home and a boat--why can't my life be that nice?" "They have a perfect life with perfect kids, I want that!" "Look at THAT car--I WISH I had that!" and the list can go on....

One huge one for me, "Oh, she's pregnant? Why can't I be?"

I see a lot of complaining due to kids/pregnancy/etc and want to shout out: "At least you HAVE kids or going to have them; do you know how many people would absolutely LOVE to trade situations?!"
I want to shout out in response to some, "It's not MY choice to be childless!"
I read too many status' that have me shouting so many things in my head that it's time for me to say good bye for a while.

Honestly though, I'm forgetting to mention that there are many who post wonderful things about their pregnancy/kids. I love it when I read when people are grateful and thankful for their pregnancy/kids--it makes me smile! As someone desperately desiring to have a family of my own, I truly appreciate people who don't take their pregnancy/kids for granted... they truly are a gift! I am learning that every. single. day. Thank you to those of you who post positive things on facebook! :) The world can always use more positivity--thanks for being an inspiration!

Instead of spending facebook time, I'm looking forward to putting my energies into spending time with the Lord, exercising, and spending quality time with the hubby. Tomorrow--I will sign off for a while.

My daily mission is to "honor God with my time AND my health (mental, physical, spiritual)".

So here's to a NEW week, with a NEW mission!

So are there any "suckers of your time" that keep you from things more important?

 credit

Then and Now

Late 2009 - Probably close to my heaviest [around 158 lbs]

Late Summer 2010

Late August 2011 - This was a happy picture as we knew we were expecting.

Feb. 4, 2012

I'm pretty sure something is working--diet + exercise = a happier, healthier me (& hubby!)

A surprise, a disappointment, and letting life go on.

There we were. Tempted in a store to go look for something that we never thought we would. At least, that's how it felt. Sneaking around we found the right area and started to shop. There they were...

Two adorable outfits.
How could we decide which one to buy? It was so early, that I looked at Josh and said, lets buy both. We were SO super excited and as we went to pay, we kept turning corners seeing people we knew. So the opposite way we'd go (who knew this store would be so busy on a Sunday after church? ;) ). We were giggly. We were the lovey-dovey people that couldn't keep our hands off of each other. We were the happy couple who were dodging corners and sneaking around the store. We finally made it to a register knowing our huge secret was safe.

Every night since, we had the two outfits hanging in our closet.

And every night we were reminded by the new hanging wardrobe and our secret.
We went to bed happy.
Excited.
Content.
Ready.

Then, I met our doctor. Oh, how great he was. To my surprise, delivering was his favorite thing as a doctor. Without hesitation, he agreed to get an early ultrasound done that I requested. I was so relieved. Nothing felt real at this point--except for the strange aversions toward chocolate (didn't see that one coming!), constantly tired, and losing a few pounds.

The first ultrasound brought worried thoughts but nothing 'real'. They said it was too early. We saw something on the screen, but not much. They said it just was really early, and we'll have another one.

We were very excited to see the second ultrasound--a little peanut, a heartbeat... proof. We were expecting to tell family, and friends with the picture of our secret. Our secret that we shopped for when we found out early on. A differently lady was our ultrasound tech, an older, non-talker. As she started the ultrasound, we were not seeing anything baby-like on the screen (just a gestational sac). Nothing that I knew we should be seeing at 10 weeks. No heartbeat. No little bean shape. Tears started flowing. The ultrasound tech lady wouldn't tell us anything. Just that 'we don't know anything yet'. Trying not to cry while walking out of the hospital was impossible. I couldn't keep them back. Something was wrong.

I was supposed to work the next day, I walked through the door and just starting bawling. Thankfully, I was blessed with an amazing group of coworkers. Emotionally, I just couldn't work.

My amazing doctor called us, wanting us to come in. He cleared time in his day. He was flexible. I could tell he really cared for us, and what we were experiencing.

Trying to hold back the tears in the doctors office, my hubby and I were trying to crack some jokes.
It'd work, then I'd remember why we were there.
If you know me personally, I'm just flat out emotional. No lies! Composing myself can be hard, especially with something like this. Teary-eyed we finally went into the exam room.

5 minutes pass.
In came the nurse and immediately I asked, Somethings wrong, isn't it?
Gently, she took a minute to pray for me, for us, for our family.
The doctor finally came in, and without hesitation, I ask him.
My worst fears were confirmed.

He said it happens randomly and to anyone. He described to us what happened--which I already knew what it was called, a blighted ovum (he was surprised I knew--I told him I was the research queen at my house with the help of google!). He said I would miscarry within the next few weeks.
I cried. My hubby held my hand and wept too.
The doctor held our hands and prayed with us.

I was upset.
Angry.
God, why did you let this happen to us?
We've waited for 3 years, and now we're the lucky ones to go through this too? I mean, come on! We've already got the 1 in 10 odds (due to infertility) and now the 5% luck of the draw of miscarrying the first pregnancy--I could think of better ways to use that luck!

Okay, I know it's not luck. But, really, with those odds, I would have liked to have won something.

In hindsight, I guess I have won something--it's called experience (yes, that's a little sarcasm there). But in all seriousness, I have gained and learned some things...

I've learned the last few months that God has been with us--and He certainly is our Provider. 
He's surrounded us with loving family, friends, and even strangers who have blessed us, prayed for us, and encouraged us.
He's provided strength, direction, and a renewed passion for living life.
He's shown us that we are brave, and that with Him we can go through tough things!
The more we talk and are open about miscarriage and infertility, the more God shows up. The more we feel at peace with where we are at.
We've learned to look at our life, to be thankful for what we have, to complain less, and to enjoy every minute of the great and not-so-great situations.
We've learned that life truly does go on, and in the end--there will be a reason, a purpose for this trial, this suffering, and this sadness.

And someday, I will meet this little angel who has forever changed our lives and our outlook on life. Life is precious, it is a gift, and a miracle. We miss what could-have-been but are blessed with what is and what is to come.