A surprise, a disappointment, and letting life go on.

There we were. Tempted in a store to go look for something that we never thought we would. At least, that's how it felt. Sneaking around we found the right area and started to shop. There they were...

Two adorable outfits.
How could we decide which one to buy? It was so early, that I looked at Josh and said, lets buy both. We were SO super excited and as we went to pay, we kept turning corners seeing people we knew. So the opposite way we'd go (who knew this store would be so busy on a Sunday after church? ;) ). We were giggly. We were the lovey-dovey people that couldn't keep our hands off of each other. We were the happy couple who were dodging corners and sneaking around the store. We finally made it to a register knowing our huge secret was safe.

Every night since, we had the two outfits hanging in our closet.

And every night we were reminded by the new hanging wardrobe and our secret.
We went to bed happy.
Excited.
Content.
Ready.

Then, I met our doctor. Oh, how great he was. To my surprise, delivering was his favorite thing as a doctor. Without hesitation, he agreed to get an early ultrasound done that I requested. I was so relieved. Nothing felt real at this point--except for the strange aversions toward chocolate (didn't see that one coming!), constantly tired, and losing a few pounds.

The first ultrasound brought worried thoughts but nothing 'real'. They said it was too early. We saw something on the screen, but not much. They said it just was really early, and we'll have another one.

We were very excited to see the second ultrasound--a little peanut, a heartbeat... proof. We were expecting to tell family, and friends with the picture of our secret. Our secret that we shopped for when we found out early on. A differently lady was our ultrasound tech, an older, non-talker. As she started the ultrasound, we were not seeing anything baby-like on the screen (just a gestational sac). Nothing that I knew we should be seeing at 10 weeks. No heartbeat. No little bean shape. Tears started flowing. The ultrasound tech lady wouldn't tell us anything. Just that 'we don't know anything yet'. Trying not to cry while walking out of the hospital was impossible. I couldn't keep them back. Something was wrong.

I was supposed to work the next day, I walked through the door and just starting bawling. Thankfully, I was blessed with an amazing group of coworkers. Emotionally, I just couldn't work.

My amazing doctor called us, wanting us to come in. He cleared time in his day. He was flexible. I could tell he really cared for us, and what we were experiencing.

Trying to hold back the tears in the doctors office, my hubby and I were trying to crack some jokes.
It'd work, then I'd remember why we were there.
If you know me personally, I'm just flat out emotional. No lies! Composing myself can be hard, especially with something like this. Teary-eyed we finally went into the exam room.

5 minutes pass.
In came the nurse and immediately I asked, Somethings wrong, isn't it?
Gently, she took a minute to pray for me, for us, for our family.
The doctor finally came in, and without hesitation, I ask him.
My worst fears were confirmed.

He said it happens randomly and to anyone. He described to us what happened--which I already knew what it was called, a blighted ovum (he was surprised I knew--I told him I was the research queen at my house with the help of google!). He said I would miscarry within the next few weeks.
I cried. My hubby held my hand and wept too.
The doctor held our hands and prayed with us.

I was upset.
Angry.
God, why did you let this happen to us?
We've waited for 3 years, and now we're the lucky ones to go through this too? I mean, come on! We've already got the 1 in 10 odds (due to infertility) and now the 5% luck of the draw of miscarrying the first pregnancy--I could think of better ways to use that luck!

Okay, I know it's not luck. But, really, with those odds, I would have liked to have won something.

In hindsight, I guess I have won something--it's called experience (yes, that's a little sarcasm there). But in all seriousness, I have gained and learned some things...

I've learned the last few months that God has been with us--and He certainly is our Provider. 
He's surrounded us with loving family, friends, and even strangers who have blessed us, prayed for us, and encouraged us.
He's provided strength, direction, and a renewed passion for living life.
He's shown us that we are brave, and that with Him we can go through tough things!
The more we talk and are open about miscarriage and infertility, the more God shows up. The more we feel at peace with where we are at.
We've learned to look at our life, to be thankful for what we have, to complain less, and to enjoy every minute of the great and not-so-great situations.
We've learned that life truly does go on, and in the end--there will be a reason, a purpose for this trial, this suffering, and this sadness.

And someday, I will meet this little angel who has forever changed our lives and our outlook on life. Life is precious, it is a gift, and a miracle. We miss what could-have-been but are blessed with what is and what is to come.

I'm Baaaackk!

I'm back! The last few months have I've been going through some ups and downs--and now I'm on break from one job (Christmas break rocks!) and still workin' the other one. Since I have some free time, I wanted to gather some ideas of items I may want to make in the next two weeks!

Pinterest has been SOOO inspiring! :)

First, we've been deciding whether or not we want to go vegan over at our household. I've been toying with this idea for many reasons: 1) I need to eat healthier. 2) We've been watching documentaries, and researching... we realize we consume too much meat. 3) We've also learned that dairy really isn't that healthy for us! 4) I need to lose weight. 5) Our diet, the way we live, and the toxins in the things around us may contribute to our infertility. 6) Out of curiousity, I'd like to see how my body reacts to a vegan diet. Now, I know it's going to be hard--and planning out meals is key to success. We've decided that December 31st, we're going to clean out all the cupboards, print out all the meal plans and recipes, and start fresh in 2012! We've already made small changes this month in preparing for next month like drinking almond milk (which has more calcium than cow's milk!), trying a few vegan meals a week, and incorporating more fruits and veggies in our lunches. Ultimately, I would love to just eat 'raw'--raw fruits and veggies, but it takes baby steps. :)

Since realizing that I've wanted to change my diet, I've realized we have lots of things we put on our bodies (shampoo, deorderant, lotions, etc) contain harmful chemicals that I don't want in my body! Our skin is the biggest organ, and truly takes in whatever we put on it. In lieu of all these harmful things, my goal is to also change out our hair/body items and cleaning items to things that are more natural. I've been so naive that the makers of the items I use have the best in mind for my body--and I've trusted them for years! It's time to change it up!

So here are some natural things I'd like to do during break:



Gentle, All Natural Deodorant Stick Recipe - http://www.keeperofthehome.org/2011/09/gentle-all-natural-deodorant-stick-recipe.html tells WHY it's better to NOT buy anti-persperant. Very interesting. Goal is to make and get rid of ALL my current stuff I use now!



All-Purpose Cleaner, Glass Cleaner, Dishwasher Soap, Laundry Soap Recipes @ Design Finch. There's also some great recipes at Young House Love. Out with the chemicals, in with the all natural cleaners!



Homemade organic facial wipes recipe and how to with Ann Marie @ white house, black shutters. Technically, it's babywipe recipe but can be changed a little for makeup remover!

The hubby and I are also trying to get our house a little more like home. We've passed our one year mark, and honestly, after all the painting, and repairs--decorating has been on the back burner! However, we stayed up one night to rearrange the furniture in our living room adding a rug we had and an old sewing machine desk (I don't know what to really call it!) for our tv console! It looks good. My mom sewed some curtains with bolt of fabric we bought for $17! It's all coming together, and all very neutral, so... I need to add more interesting details! Here are some ideas for our living room...



The picture of the flowers I think I can do myself on plywood or something.... this was posted @ Decorno. I just love the look!



Tanya @ Trey and Lucy made big flowers that can go on pillows (or hats, etc). I need to dress up the couch, this would be perfect! Trying to find ways to add color.

Stacy @ Not Just a House Wife made this super cute frame! I'm not sure where I could put a frame like this but I want one! Maybe this will be my first project using a jigsaw!

Plank Frames from Project Cottage on Etsy. These look great but I think I can make 'em - we're on a budget. :)

 Up next, some ideas for the kitchen. The kitchen is a little bit more decorated but still needs work.

Floating shelves from Knock off wood posted @ Young House Love! Our upper cabinets are higher in the kitchen, making it perfect to put narrow floating shelves in for spices and such. This would be perfect!

Butcher Block Inspiration @ Johnny In a Dress. I can always use splashes of fun colors in the kitchen! I'm thinking teal...

Since we're starting and trying NEW recipes, I love this idea....

Recipe Cards DIY

Mason Jar Herb Garden @ Camille Styles - I've got the PERFECT spot for this!! What a neat idea. I think I'm able to do this... the hard part is figuring out which herbs I'd like to grow!

Kitchen Towel @ Make Life Sweet - SO adorable!!

Etched Dish Soap Tutorial @ lil blue boo. What a creative way to put it on the counter, so much more beautiful than the bottle. :)

And of course there's time for bedroom stuff (we hope to make progress on our empty, white room during break!) and other stuff...

Prayer Board @ Dukes and Dutchesses - We've been wanting a place to post our prayers, this is a fantastic idea! We'd probably put it in our bedroom.

I love you because @ Eighteen25 - She sells them on etsy but I think I can make something similar... once again, DIY budgeting!

you + me = aWEsome @ pumpkin and butterfly. LOVE this! I think I can get crafty and make it myself. But, she has them for sale if you can't make it. ;)

And... I'll need to finish my list tomorrow since it's so big. :)

Oh, it's been TOO long.

So much has happened over the past few months, it's been unreal.

There of course were the 'ups' and the 'downs' but I'm really blessed to have the man I love right by my side through it all. Maybe someday I'll write about the not-so-good parts but for now, we're keeping this post positive!

I have been failing miserably at this blog lately! So sad! We've both been really busy around here. My hubby is now working with high school students at our local Tech Center and absolutely loves it. I definitely get props for helping him submit his stuff to that job--he looks forward to it everyday! ;)You know what they say, if you love what you do then it's the right job for you. :) He's super excited to go back to school to get his teaching certificate and start teaching in about 4/5ish years. I have also had the opportunity to work with kids every day... but the totally opposite age--kindergarten! And boy oh boy do I love it! I'm not teaching this year but am learning new things every day as I help out seasoned teachers with their classrooms. I have so many ideas running through my head that when I do have my own classroom, I can apply those ideas! It's truly is a blessing how this has all worked out--what a great way to observe different teaching styles and lessons. It's fantastic. I'd absolutely be honored to be a kindergarten teacher someday--and hopefully sooner than later! As well as working full time in a school, I work part time at a store--so during many weeks, you can find me working anywhere from 45-60ish hours a week. Crazy but love the idea of saving, paying off debt, and contributing to our income.

Thanksgiving break is coming up, and I thought to myself, I MUST get craftier. Since I have 5 days off next week, I'm planning on doing 5 Pinterest Inspired Projects (DIY crafts/decor, sewing, or recipes). Are you excited? I am! I'm going to plan out the inspiration that will motivate me in the next few days. So starting next Monday, I'll be doing something fabulous and posting about it! Yippee! That will get me ready for Christmas Break (2 full weeks of Pinterest Projects)!

In the mean time, I might do a pinterest project or two this week. We'll see. ;)

New goals

I've been away for a while--sorry! Lots of hard things we're going through right now.

However, it's time to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and start getting crafty again!

My goals for this week are to-
1) Make at least ONE crafty item, fall related!
2) Make at least ONE new recipe
3) Blog about them.
4) Find items to get rid of and post them on the FB online garage sale.

Secretly, I hope to do more than my goals. I really, REALLY want to create a little fall decor area in my living room.... so we'll see if I can do that! :)

There are so many things I'm missing out on if I sit around and do nothing.... hoping to be a little more productive this week and enter the blogging world once again.

Fight

credit

He's on my side.
He fights for me.
He must really love me.

Now, if I can just "be still".

Our dog in a nutshell.

 

Yup.

Sorry for the blurry pictures and cut off wording on bottom... I just wanted to share this before I try to fix it because it's too cute!

We love Wenda!

Together

My hubby and I have started reading a book together for our weekly devotional. We have been absolutely terrible with reading His word and praying together--I think it's been because we've been so stressed, angry, etc. with where our lives are right now.

Our lesson was about trusting God. It was strange as we were reading the first chapter of our Couple Devotional Book and the author mentions that they went through infertility as well--and that they had to trust God through everything. I mean, it's one thing when you read a devotional or a friend says "trust God, it'll be okay!"--without having a single idea what we're experiencing in our life (either not knowing what we're experiencing or knowing but not able to relate). And then it's another experiencing hearing that someone has been through it. Someone knows the emotions we're feeling; the depression or sadness, the stress, the incredible want, etc. Anyways, the author of the Couple Devotional Book experienced what we're experiencing, so it just means that much more when reading about trusting God and His timing.

Then, I saw this the other day on Pinterest....

After almost a week of fasting, I'm starting to feel this calmness---that in His time, things WILL work out. Things WILL get better.

What a great promise-- 1 Peter 5:6-7
So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.

So thankful for a caring God even when I've been distant and upset; He still loves me because His love NEVER fails.