I've been absent in more than just that.
Lately, I've been feeling...
frustration.
disappointment.
depression.
anger.
anxiety.
loneliness.
sadness.
and really just wishing for better days ahead.
In all of this, we've been examining our lives. We have so much to be thankful for. We have each other. We have Wenda. We have a home, a working car, a job, food on the table....
and that list can go on.
In the midst of {_____________} (fill in the blank with a word from above), we have forgotten one very important thing in our lives--prayer.
I guess the word forgotten doesn't really describe it--it's more like we've ignored talking with God because of all the emotions going on. I think it sometimes is very easy to have the mindset of blame as reason not to pray, I'm mad with God and I just don't want to talk to Him ( Especially since it's been years!).
J and I really looked at our prayer time which has been off and on in our 4.5 years of marriage. In the beginning of our infertility journey, we were strong in our prayer life. Then, it kind of went downhill from there, just like our heartbreaking journey. As we talked about our relationship with each other and with God, we realized that this has to be part of our marriage. Every night now, we are committed to praying together. In the last few days, I've seen how much of a positive thing this has been for our marriage. We are happier. We are more in love with each other. We are more appreciative of the things we have. Yes, there are still sorrows, and some of the emotions from the list above, but giving them to God is what we are doing. It's been very tough lately with many people in our lives having kids, and getting teaching jobs (yes, another thing that has been very difficult!) that I am just overwhelmed.
We're here standing still with our hopes and dreams. It feels as if it's pushed in our (mostly mine) faces constantly--and I take it personally. The comments. The remarks. The looks. Everything. The hardest thing to admit is that Satan has used our hopes and dreams to get in between God and us.
It really gets... discouraging after 4 years to say the least.
So, I cannot handle it anymore--we're handing it over to Christ, in prayer.
J and I are not just praying about the small things--we're going to be praying for the impossible too.
We're praying for:
{gratitude in all circumstances}
{wisdom in making financial choices}
{discernment with our infertility journey-- for a miracle(s) [we're good with multiples. ;)], finances (it's more than our mortgage payment monthly to 'try'!), when/if to start, bodies reactions to medications/vitamins/etc}
{contentment}
{excitement for others who are expecting & to find joy in those little miracles}
{a teaching position with an amazing staff & community- a place where I can make a difference and be a light for Christ}He is listening. I'm counting on Him to make our path straight--obvious about where He wants us to be. We're giving it to You, Lord!
